My first week Wrestling with Franklin

My first week Wrestling with Franklin.

The Drunken Bunny man

I’m focusing on temperance as that was the idea - focus on one a week for 13 weeks. I clearly have issues with Frugality and Industry but there will be time enough for that later.

Alyska likes to say that I pour from the top. I eyeball from above the glass rather than using anything that might disspell my self-perceived preternatural liquid measuring capabilities. It’s a terrible habit born of alcohol tolerance - though smaller now, I used to be a pretty big dude who could hold his liquor. I would pour generously to account for generous proportions and the desire to hit the fuzzy state of inebriation more effectively.

Amidst my 30s and having lost much weight since college, old habits soften my resolve much faster than I think (and who signed me up for that?). Which, of course, is impaired with all that booze in my brain. I know I do it, and admitting to it generates a little shame.

So, unmeasured consumption is my kryptonite, both expressed by using hard to measure serving procedures. Cocktails poured from the top, food served in bowls, both lead me to excess. The major failures this week indicated in the dark marks in the grid above stem from this.

My favorite cocktail, the Manhattan (named for Dr. Manhattan who mixes them one atom at a time), contains about 40% alcohol the way I mix it. 2fl oz whiskey, .75fl oz vermouth, liberal dashes of bitters, many cherries. It is easily two “drinks” worth of booze. Delicious booze.

But there in lies the issue: waaaaay too much alcohol even for one drink and I was ignoring it. Does anyone person need that much?

It depends on your goals, I guess, and mine are rarely “drink this tasty thing for it is tasty”. It’s always “relax” after a long day and that is nonspecific at best, at worst a moving target leading well past relaxed to hangover.

Heading into the week, I laid out a few specific goals to keep in mind as I focus on building temperance. And htey were specifically geared towards this failing.

1. no alcohol on an empty stomach
2. and no more than one, measured drink (4oz wine or 1oz whisky or 3oz port)
3. stop eating before feeling full

I adhered to #1 perfectly - no booze right after getting home from work or gym when I’d not eaten in half a day. So, that’s good. Two of the dark mark days are failures in #2 - cocktails. Minus New Year’s Eve, partially - I willfully had a second drink but this was after I already ate much more than I should have in Thai food. So, that was probably a doubleplusungood day.

On Food and Cooking

This week has illuminated more completely my problems with over-eating. As with pouring from the top, I over-eat when I order food (which I suspect is partially the restaurant modus operandi) and when I serve myself from small-looking dishes. I have no idea how much food my bowls hold but I sure as hell fill them up anyway.

Nor do I eat slowly. This is somewhat exacerbated in my exercise routine which I have been more aggressive with lately and thus make myself hungrier in the evenings. Being ravenous when you sit down does not lead to temperate eating, just bloated stomach and aching later that night.

I have been, though, much better proportioned in most of my meals. I eat two meals a day at work because it is subsidized and ultra-convenient - my office is literally down the hall from an on-site coffee shop that sells bacon and eggs in the morning. Breakfast is two hard boiled eggs and 4 slices of bacon, occasionally six or a piece of fruit if the previous night was a weight training night. This is about 400 calories at most and plenty of good protein and fat.

Lunch, I have been eating much more salad or bread-less sandwiches in much more reasonable size. I try to limit myself to about 5oz meat for the latter with plenty of pickled goods on the side. Salads I don’t really take care aside from not going crazy with oil and vinegar. But “going nuts” on salad greens is a silly concept (if you’re counting calories).

Dinner is really my problem. I don’t cook bad food, bad here defined as loaded with carbohydrates (I try to eat very low carb, less than 80g a day). I just don’t portion it well. I buy gargantuan steaks or pressure cook 3 pounds of chili at a time which leads to regular over-eating as described above.

This episode brought you by: A Measuring Cup

My best solution, aside from eating more mindfully, is as mundane as serving myself from measuring cups. It’s hard to admit that - it feels like I have to treat myself like an uncontrollable child. But, in truth, these are bad habits I’ve been carrying with me for years. Given that I am better than not in most situations, giving myself quantifiable good/too much line can only help.

It mostly helped with my drinking problems and stands to reason it will help elsewhere. Numbers give you power, especially when you can learn that 6oz of stew is filling but 8oz is filling to discomfort. Which is the important distinction - both get you to satisfaction but only one of them will let you stay mobile for the remainder of the evening. (Hint, it’s the second one.)

So. Lessons from the week:

1. Measure your intake, and that means food too.
2. Eat more mindfully and, when in doubt, leave food on the plate.
3. Cocktails cock it all up so stop pouring from the top.

In conclusion, drinking is still awesome

Temperance is not about abstaining from anything. Identifying things that encouraged intemperate behavior will help. Like knowing the sheer amount of booze in my typical cocktail will encourage me to just mix the dang thing smaller, not stop drinking them.

Otherwise, continuing with previously stated intentions will help.

Uncovering flaws is ultimately a joyous thing because we can acknowledge them and work to reduce them. At that’s the whole point of this enterprise.

Review of the @ArtofManliness Virtue Journal

I’ve been using the Art of Manliness Virtue Journal for a little while now and have developed strong feelings over it and its design as I progress in my own virtuous journey.

Let’s start with the journal insert

Open Journal Cover close

Aesthetics

The booklet cover is designed to look like an old printed book. It even uses the Baskerville type face which was designed in 1757. Franklin and Baskerville had an on-going correspondence and Franklin quickly adopted use of the Baskerville typeface upon publishing after reading the first book Baskerville printed with it - Virgil’s Bucolica, Georgica et Aeneis. You can read a little on their relationship here.

So, that’s a nice touch. The text is crisp except for the larger faces shown on the weekly grid pages.

Grid Good this day

(I could be better with resolve….)

There it’s distressed to look more weathered. The lines and text for the entry pages are all grey rather than a full black allowing them to guide but not intrude with use.

Build and paper stock

The insert is built like a tank. It is sturdy, dense, and made from a thick paper stock that feels good in the hand. The paper stock being so thick has merits and flaws. It takes fountain pen ink very nicely. I’ve been using the rOtring Lava fine nib with both Edelstein Inks and Organics Studio. The Edelsteins in particular flow thick but the paper does not feather or smudge in any noticeable fashion.

Problematically, with use, the the paper causes the book to remain open when bent.

Cover open

You can see here the pages I’ve used and the gapping happening. I suspect it’s a combination of the perfect binding and the thickness of the stock. It has significant fold memory. I think this will do two things with use over the next 3 months.

1. Cause the book to grow fat and unwieldy, making it harder to carry with me.
2. It will age instead of deteriorate with use.

I will absolutely accept the drawbacks of the paper stock for the fountain pen friendliness and plumping for a well-aged insert. It adds to the appeal.

I really like it overall. Even the cream color of the pages, which normally drives me batty. But each detail feels chosen to illicit the aged and weathered field. The journal feels important without feeling pretentious. It will work with you and look nice doing it for good, long time.

The leather cover

Aesthetics

The journal cover is absolutely lovely. The embossing is well detailed and gorgeous. The journal fits well in there, not loose at all so it doesn’t shift in use. I think the insert seats well enough that I’m a little worried about getting the darn thing out when I fill it. And, actually, you can see Brett McKay struggling with it in the video linked above.

Grain

It’s made from full grain leather which you can tell from the unfinished edges on the cover. If you look closely, you can see the grain and the corium layers which have differing density and texture. You can also see the thorough saturation of the tanning and dying. The color is even over the surface and penetrates through the whole thickness of the leather.

Stitching

The stitching is thick. I’d bet dollars to donuts that it’s a single filament polyester thread which is what is used for durable, long last goods where reliability is paramount, like boots. And parachutes.

And it smells just great. You guys, well-made leather goods have a wondrous aroma and if you haven’t ever had a well-made, high quality leather good, you really should. (When I bought my Saddleback Leather satchel, I shoved my entire head into it to get as much of the scent as possible.)

Utility

Pen loop

Pen Loop

The pen loop inside has been useless for me. Fountain pens don’t fit well, if at all, nor does the leather hold them in place because of their weight. Fountain pen clips are designed to slip into pockets, over pocket fabric, where the tension in the clip in conjunction with the fabric under the whole of the clip hold it in place.

To benefit from this with the supplied pen loop, you have to partially slide the pen in so the ball of the clip rests on the end of the loop. (pictured above) But you only have a little leather under the clip which doesn’t rest against the top of the clip meaning it is unstable. Now, you could slip the pen in the pock on the inside flap…

Pen pocket

But it slips out because theres nothing to prevent that in fabric tension or a sewn pocket for the pen.

I suspect none of this is a problem if you use a standard, lightweight ballpoint pen.

Ribbon

The ribbon bookmark is a stiff nylon, I think. It is problematic. It is a little too short and stiff to properly do its duty as a marker. The latter should fix itself over time and may reduce the following problem. Because the ribbon is so stiff and the pages of the book are so thick that they don’t close well, the ribbon tends to slide out of place.

Ribbon

The placement of the ribbon exacerbates it. It is sewn directly center on the cover with the long end running to the left, away from the insert. So when you place it, you have increased resistance because of the direction and placement the ribbon is sewn and the pulling.

On their own, the shortness and stiffness, would be minor problems if at all. But add those to the sewing choice and it makes the ribbon hard to use.

Usability Changes

If I were to suggest any differences in a 2.0 version, it would be to add a second ribbon of different color and a band around the midsection.

A band would help keep the cover and pages closed, especially over time as it fattens with use. It would also keep the ribbon seated. The Midori traveler’s notebook covers could be a good model rather than, say, the moleskin, as the dimensions of the franklin journal would look funny with the latter.

The second ribbon would allow marking the weekly grid and the current day page. Considering that the intended use is to fill out both the daily notes and each weekly box in the virtue grid. I find myself opening the book, moving the marker to the weekly page, filling out the daily page, flipping back to the weekly grid, then re-marking the daily page. It’s not the greatest (nor terrible to do) but could be better.

And I’d add a pen pocket instead of the loop, something sewn shut, you could slide a pen into. You’d have to be clever in implementation because you wouldn’t want to mar the cover’s exterior with a second line of stitching.

Even if you just dutch the pen loop and make the pocket about 80% the height of the cover, you could use that. The pen clip would have the full length of the leather to seat itself on. It would be functional for heavier fountain pens while still allowing for regular ballpoints to sit.

Overall

The product is fantastic and I have really enjoyed using it despite some quibbles because of how I use it. The only non-specific flaw is the ribbon and the pen loop issue is probably less likely to happen, but of moderate impact. I fully intend to continue purchasing the inserts on my own moral journey. And I’m really looking forward to what it looks like in a year.

I am most excited about the @artofmanliness Virtue journal.

Definitions: A little Philosophizing

I think it behooves me to list some definitions. Exploring virtue and morality requires understanding what those concepts mean. The definitions can be a little fuzzy especially since they rely on outside things to exist only in context of individuals and groups thereof.

What I talk about when I talk about Virtue

Virtues are characteristics or traits of “right” or good behavior defined by an individual or society. Examples, taking from Benjamin Franklin, can include concepts like Temperance, Industry, and Silence. What is considered “virtuous” is malleable considering the can be sourced both from an individual as well as society.

Religion often establishes virtue and codes of conduct for people. Christianity and Judaism both rely on the Ten Commandments. Christianity further includes Faith, Hope, and Love as core virtues defined in Corinthians. Love is, in this triumvirate, the most important and defined as “patient, kind, not envious, boastful, arrogant, or rude.”

Hinduism has a similar ten virtues written in the vedas, though they are paired down to 5 in later parts of the texts - Ahimsa (Non-violence), Dama (self restraint), Asteya (Non-covetousness/Non-stealing), Saucha (inner purity), Satyam (truthfulness).

Virtues, too, can come from social structure like in the samurai code. The Hagakure defines it’s virtues for samurai (in bushido): righteousness, courage, benevolence, respect, sincerity, honour, loyalty.

What I do when I act out Virtues

If virtues are qualities considered good, the intention of virtue becomes guiding human behavior to goodness or righteousness. Morality is the expression of a virtue. Morality, then, is learned acceptable behavior from your upbringing or social constructs. The interesting thing here is that though we may teach virtues, morality is understood based on reactions to an action in society.

Depending on how “pure” you want to make that, you start defining the inherent goodness of an action based on solely the consequences of the action (consequentialism), so an action is “moral” if the results are measurably benevolent. Or you can define the morality of an act on the action itself (deontology), so an act is inherently moral or immoral. An easy example would be killing Hitler as a child. Consequentialists would argue the benefits of Hitler dying as a child make the act of killing morally good; whereas, deontologists would argue than any act of killing is immoral according to any social construct. (Note that the above is a radically simplified explanation.)

What I judge when I judge about Virtues

In either case, actions matter and are guided by one’s closely held virtue. Reinforcement of that virtue comes from reactions to actions carried out for that virtue. Your judgement of what I do is a system of understanding the goodness or badness of an action taken in relation to a virtue.

That structure, the response or understanding from society at large, is Ethics. It’s how we reinforce virtue and morality and it develops organically over time. Goodness and badness of actions do not exist in a vacuum nor can you say that outward expressions of belief are natural right or wrong. It’s he consequences of those actions and how we respond that make something “good” or “bad.” Belching is a silly example. Belching in public is considered rude in America but not in other countries.

What?

Ethics are a system for understand morality. Morality is the expression of a virtue. Virtues are characteristics valued by a person or society. The all exist dependent on each other and necessarily change as society changes. What is virtuous today may not be virtuous tomorrow. And, likely, what was virtuous to Franklin in 1746 may not be virtuous in 2015.

What matters?

That’s the thing, right? Trying to figure out what matters? The curiosity I have is how much of my definitions of virtue will align with what society holds as virtuous. I grew up fairly secular with mostly my family’s, mostly my father’s, actions to guide me. Many of my strongest memories are watching my brothers getting into to trouble for silly things they did, stuff that I learned rapidly were a bad idea.

How much of my personality virtues come from that sort of learning? What sort of virtues do I hold based on reinforced positive behaviors from my childhood? Do my struggles for industriousness stem from seeing my father always relaxing on nights and weekends?

Such shall be the end goal of all this: understanding my virtues. I believe I have them though I can’t necessarily enumerate them. So of them will matter to me more than others and others still I’ll want to adopt from Franklin’s own list as I endeavor to uphold them.

Drinking is Awesome

I offer this as proof that drinking is amazing.

Moral and Physicial Thermometer

The Moral and Physical Thermometer concept was first published in the early 1800s - specific dates are conflicting but it was closer to 1812 - as part of the first catalog for the characteristics of alcoholism. It had a few other incarnations, namely tis one (which is far better illustrated than [the original]), that purported to indicate the various goodness of Enlightenment Era drink. The idea being that one would be better served keeping their consumption of alcoholic beverages towards the top of the thermometer.

Why water hits a temperature of 70, I can’t really fathom why the numbers are what they are.

The original version appeared in a treatise entitled An Inquiry Into the Effects of Ardent Spirits Upon the Human Body and Mind (Ardent Spirits would be a great band name), written Benjamin Rush (another Benjamin!). Rush is a pretty fascinating person. He, like my man Franklin, was a signatory of the Declaration of Independence, published both the first book of Chemistry and Psychiatry, and he is considered to be the founder of American Psychiatry.

Ardent Spirits, though, is attributed to the start of the entire temperance movement in America. The whole pamphlet is pretty fascinating. Rush, at length, identifies traits and phenomena of extreme alcohol inebriation in order to allow for better diagnosis and treatment. But Rush never intended the diagnosis of addiction to become a banner booklet in the quest to prohibition.

In fact, Rush pretty clearly states that his is not against alcohol in its entirety in the first paragraph on the first page of the document.

”Fermented liquors contain so little spirit, and that so intimately combined with other matters, that they can seldom be drunken in sufficient quantities to produce intoxication…. They are, moreover,… generally innocent, and often have a friendly influence upon health and life.”

• Benjamin Rush, An Inquiry Into the Effects of Ardent Spirits Upon the Human Body and Mind, page 1

Rather, like the image above, indicates that there are “good” drinks to be had. Like water. Or cider. Or wine and beer. At the time, alcoholic beverages were genreally safer to drink than water and was the primary liquid consumed on the Mayflower. Rush goes so far to suggest that you can help and addict through the detoxification process by switching them to beer, wine, or cider.

”By the temporary use of these substitutes for spirits, I have never known the transition to sober habits, to be attended with any bad effects, but often with permanent health of body, and peace of mind.”

• Benjamin Rush, An Inquiry Into the Effects of Ardent Spirits Upon the Human Body and Mind, page 20

Of his suggested remedies, this is the most human. The others? They include, but are no limited to,

• Christ
• Guilt
• Plunging the body into tanks of water
• Severe whipping (none of that half-assed whipping)
• Bleeding
• Terror

I… sort of wonder what terror would include but I actually expect it’s an antecedent to aversion therapy, which is another useful thing used for nefarious means. And I’m pretty sure many of the other treatments will lead to bleeding. And, as an interesting aside and final note, Benjamin’s Franklin death is attributed to Rush’s vocal proponence of blood-letting.

Representation and Reusability

Representation and Reusability

I’ve had two conversations recently about brand identity and memorability apropos of this post. Of late, I’ve been concerned with self representation on the web and meat space and how these things can or should overlap.

To recap that post, I changed my internet handle a few years ago and exchanged memorability for maturity as I started to explore and define myself. I’ve been toying with the idea of going back to a more memorable name as I establish BunnyRope in the world. “ABMann” has no obvious link to BunnyRope nor is it as easy to remember as my business name.

Conversation 1 with Alyska (in reverse chronological order) was around changing my handle back to AngryBunnyMan. Alyska proposed that memorability can be achieved in a variety of ways, name recognition not withstanding. I could, in fact, increase overall memorability by simply identifying myself as ABMann of BunnyRope which sort of links me to the memorability of my business name.

This seems like a better approach to for 2 related reasons:

1. Your business should be of primary importance as that is your contribution to the world.
2. You are your business. If I should choose to be remembered as myself or my contributions, the virtuous answer, potentially the more humble answer, is to choose my contribution.

Legacy versus Fame.

Conversation 2 with Graydancer was around brand representation across multiple creative endeavors. Gray is an industrious and prolific creative - he has written books, teaches on sex and sexuality, blogs on personal development, and other numerous things about town. He recent transitioned into full time self employ ,you can become his patron (I finally did as I had been meaning to for a while), and has been attempting brand his various endeavors in a memorable and, especially, meaningful way.

In our conversation, we were trying to figure out how to you separate the things you do as distinct entities but keep the spiritual link between the two. I argued that a person is at the heart of everything even if their businesses are different - you are your business(es) irrespective of output.
Condensed:

1. Your business is a representation of yourself. Gray argued that each aspect can or should be distinct enough from each other so as to carry their own weight - your business(es) and representation should speak for itself and not be a stand in for you. Condensed:
2. Your business is its own representation in the world.

I don’t think either is wrong and each are grounded in producing something as a legacy. I disagree that you can ultimately divorce yourself from anything you do and, potentially, it behooves you not to divorce yourself from it. I think it impossible, in fact, when you have already created something else in the world. Everyone knows that thing of yours already and it will be the comparison for other things that you do, good or bad.

Still, this helped coalesce my own approach to Identity and its something I’ve been doing unconsciously.

Here are my two current brands:

  <img src="_BR+Chop.pngBR+Chop" alt="">




  <img src="_Chop.pngChop" alt="">

The BunnyRope icon came first. But it wasn’t named first.

When I first started it, I chose the name because it harkened back to my original name, AngryBunnyMan. In my mind, I already had this internet identity, why do something completely divorced from it? I figured, and this is important, that people already knew me so let’s use that to carve out this new aspect.

I didn’t realize it but that seeded the most recent introspection on identity. BunnyRope’s memorability had overtaken me and I didn’t want to be lost to it.

Thus, I set out to create the second brand, something to better represent me as me and not as ‘me’ of BunnyRope. This was actually the last of half a dozen ideas, some of which can still be found online but I think tis one will stick for one important reason:

I’ve created a branding language. I have threaded myself into that identity in a way flexible enough that it can apply to all the things I may want to do.

I am what I put into the world.

Plan for Attaining Moral Perfection

Virtue Franklin Virtue Journal

Here will I hold. If there’s a power above us (And that there is, all nature cries aloud Thro’ all her works), He must delight in virtue; And that which he delights in must be happy.

• Cato, by Joseph Addison

Benjamin Franklin was 20 years old when he wrote the above words at the top of his newly defined system of self improvement. He was returning from an 18 month letterpress apprenticeship in London which was an 80 day voyage and, I suspect, leaves one much time to reflect. Otherwise you’d go stir crazy.

I have been endeavoring to do similar as I entered my 30s. I intended, and still do intend, for this decade to by one of introspection. I desire a closer relationship with my inner self and deeply desire a better understanding of my own motivations and movements in the world.

Unsurprisingly, I became enamored with Franklin’s 13 virtues while reading his autobiography; and, as I have been struggling (seemingly in perpetuity) with my own tenacity at self-understanding, believe having something more systematic will be useful.

Thus: I’m going living by Franklin’s virtues.

…I conceived the bold and arduous project of arriving at moral perfection. I wish’d to live without committing any fault at any time; I would conquer all that either natural inclination, custom, or company might lead me into.

• Benjamin Franklin, The Autobiography of Benjamin Franklin

I am, however, not striving for moral perfection. I don’t know if I even fathom what that would look like given my beliefs and place in the world. But it is no matter. The process of watching myself, having a focus, should help reveal it.

How is this going to work?

Alyska gifted me the Art of Manliness incarnation of Franklin’s journal. It’s what is pictured above and I’m going to use it.

Franklin’s virtues are laid out in 13 week intervals with the focus of each week on one virtue. Each week has a 7x13 grid - 7 days to a week, 13 virtues to track. Though the intention is to live by the definitions of each, you take especial care to acquire the habits of one particular virtue. At the end of each day, you tally your adherence to each virtue by placing a dot in the square for each virtue you did not succeed at, kind of the opposite of the Seinfeld Calendar4. Over the course of the weeks, you should see a decrease in the dots for each virtue.

And only then shall your power be over 9000.

My intention is to start each week defining what the 13 virtues mean to me. I’m not so silly to think Franklin’s definitions will transplant perfect to a modern life nor to my place in it so want to find my own meaning for each. At the end of each week, I’ll reflect on what I learn. As I’m a new age kind of guy6 I’m be posting about it here along with additional explorations into virtue, morality, and ethics. Hopefully I’ll learn something about myself. At worst, this will be a lovely way to extend my morning protocol journaling.

Without continual growth and progress, such words as improvement, achievement, and success have no meaning.

And Also: New Webspace.

I migrated to a new blog space. It is a little simple and has somewhat less automatic integration with other stuff but I looks cleaner and is making me more thoughtful in organization.  With Tumblr/Wordpress, it was too easy to let entropy win.

You can see the new version here: ABMann.net which is where you are right now.

And just for funzies I made a landing page for AngryBunnyMan.com

I’m still updating categories, as, and photo links for old posts but the mechanism is running.

Be Pavlov; Not The Dog

At the beginning of December I made a choice: stop filling empty time with diversion.

I, like many in my cohort, love my iPhone and my iPad and all the wondrous things of the connected world. I, like many in my cohort, enjoy updating and checking all my social media. Currently, I interact with Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, Tumblr, and Ello (a little). (RunKeeper abd MyFitnessPal too insofar as I have two people I follow who use it as actively as I do.)

I, like many in my cohort, spend inordinate amounts of time bouncing between social media streams. I follow enough people that by the time I’m done with a round of checking, there’s new stuff to be seen.

The random reinforcement, the dopamine hit, is strong. It’s classical operant (thank you @_toddmc) conditioning, you see, and a pleasant way to spend your free time. I just felt like it was getting out of my hand.

So. Instead of checking twitter in those moments of down time, I either read a book (a real paper book) or engage in active mindfulness (sort of like short term meditation).

The results have been rather neat for the first one. In the last 20 days, I have read the following books:

• The Quick and Easy Way to Effective Public Speaking, Dale Carnegie (224 pages)
• Confessions of a public speaker, Scott Berkun (240)
• Keeping it Straight, Patrick Rhone (175 pages)
• This Could Help, Patrick Rhone (145 pages)
• Presentation Zen, Gar Reynolds (312 pages)
• Presentation Secrets of Steve Jobs, Carmine Gallo (256 pages)
• The Elements of Style, Strunk & White. (88 pages)
• On Writing, Stephen King (320 pages)December 2014
• Beyond Trying, Mike Vardy (e-book, no listing)

They aren’t hefty or anything and I’m obviously reading outside of the interstitial times. But: I’m finding the change significantly more gratifying.

And when I read more, I feel like I’m doing something good for myself. When I’m feeling good about myself, I do good things for myself like exercise, write, plan projects, and the like.

The reduction of the dopaminergic reward cycle of social media has allowed my drive for self-actualization to reassert itself rather than hunt for the next stimulus.

In other words: Be Pavlov; Not the dog.

do good things

Dad liked my usb typewriter.

Thanksgiving come and gone. It was quiet this year. We went from three families to just the one, me and my Dad. The introverts. It was sedate with a steady cooking cadence that felt like mastery over Side Dish Logistics. Nothing burned. Everything offering a warm comfort simultaneously.

Dad was chill, bouncing between football updates and asking me about house and home. He has always been delicate trying to discover me. I don’t get that given my lasting memory of his candor, usually born from a need for simplicity. But he did ask in a gentle way about things never before discussed.

“Don’t worry, I’m a weirdo too” was how he reassured me when asking about Shibari, about processing hemp, about my market for Bunny Rope. He appreciates my approach to my business as well as my plan, both entrenched in the simplicity he taught me. It resonated with him, with us both, when talking about dye chemistry and my inability to comprehend selling rope that could dye your hands just from picking it up. Do good things, carefully, not too quickly.

“As a parent, you always wonder what else you could or should have noticed.” My tattoo, which he learned more about because others were less timid to discuss it with me, represented harder times in my life. Times when, like thanksgiving, it was just us bouncing between football and commentary but I had something more sharp than typical teenage angst trying to cut through my identity. He knew. He didn’t know. Who could have known what was really in my mind? I told him it wasn’t his fault, it was me and the dreadful people I surrounded myself with. But it was his advice that led me to the right college, the right light at the end of the tunnel, I told him.

“But it is unexpectedly gratifying to see what your kids become.”

Left unsaid but as plain as the tears in both our eyes, the guilt over not acting more overtly.

Guilt is self inflicted. I know these things: Do good things, carefully, not too quickly. You let me be me how I needed to be me when I needed to be me.

Don’t worry, I’m a weirdo too.

Traveling. Energy. Creativity.

And a haiku for the house.

I’m regularly exercising again and I’m traveling for work right now which has a curious affect on me, the combination of the two.  

Exercise lightens my mood in a (medical) textbook way.  My brain moves quickly, focuses well, makes connections, and keeps me pleasant.  I view myself and the world about me with a particular clarity and easiness I feel is generally reserved for runners and buddhists.  I am in the world.

When traveling, I feel surprisingly less-stressed, (even) better organized, and productive.  This is especially true when I have a few things to work on back at the office that I can do remotely.  Working from a hotel is surprisingly engrossing, something about the different setting keeps me lively.  I am about the world.

Of late, I’ve been feeling tis bubbling need to do something large and creative and being on the road has given me more time to think about it.  It feels like it wants to be a treatise of some sort, something longer and over-arching, touching on themes I’ve been recently thinking about regarding my favorite aspects of my life- buddhism, self-presentation, quality, privacy law, and productivity.  Which, take together, looking mostly unrelated.

I am not sure they are necessarily related, or should be.

But I feel like i want to write a book about something in there.

     Or make a podcast.

     Or go to law school.

     Or just do something that brings together all of the things that I care about in my day to day.

I’m not sure how to tease it out either.  I vaguely expect that, as I think and write and read on any and all of these things that I’ll have that magic Aha! moment when some final connection happens in a conversation and I’ll have it.

Similarly, I feel like I should be funneling all this… I don’t know.. Glamour into Bunny Rope but that feels… misguided. I have so many interested and they’re so disparate.

How do you work through that fog to clarify what the Thing is supposed to be?

Treadmills, man.

Treadmills, man.

Treadmills are dreadful. I had forgotten because I had not seriously used one in winter in a very long time. Normally when I have a running goal it’s after winter and i can run outdoors like Darwin intended.

Not so much deciding to do a 13 week mini training program before MTKF. Thus: I am tethered to a treadmill 3-5 times a week.

Really the worst part is that there’s nothing to look at in my gym. The have a bank of TVs but it’s all News or Sports and I disagree with Sports and New and especially Sports News but that is a different discussion. So I sort of pan the room and try really really hard to not watch the pretty women on various machines in eye sight.

Of course, the only thing that mesmerizes me enough that my mind blanks is cross fit butts when I’m on a treadmills.

Apparently I’m that guy.

It does make it easier when @alyska is at the gym with me.

Otherwise, the mini-program is going pretty well. I’m essentially starting over because I’ve gained enough weight that I have some breathing issues though I have few muscle endurance issues. I had a minor “Oh Fuck” moment today when, after running for what seemed like too long, the dial read .73 miles.

“I’m never going to make my targets,” I though.

But. I didn’t give up. I, in fact, sped up.

And wouldn’t you know it, .73 miles later the treadmill hit cool down. Because it was counting down from my target distance.

That was really nice.

And the cross fit butts. That was nice too.

What’s not to love about gifts?

We’re getting so dangerously close to gifting season.  Is there a better way to befuddle a bunny  but by bestowing bountiful bucks? See them wiggle with glee.

Then there’s the consternation.  So many choices… Make it hard on them.

On Weight

Some numbers for you:

At my best weight, I was about 170 at about 28%. At my worst I was 260 at 45% (O_O).

At my healthiest I was about 180 and 26% and running 5 or so times a week training for a half marathon in 2010. And defining healthy here as “felt confident and looked good in my skin.”

This week, a friend started a Biggest Loser type contest for attendees of January’s Madtown Kinkfest. No matter what you say, people want to look and feel fantastic during the event and much of what feeds our self-perception, discounting the incessant and blaring societal judgments, is that number. It is nice to feel attractive when you’re running around the evening parties, especially in kinky atmosphere. It is inevitable that you want to look good.

I am attempting to track my progress in the facile, weight-based fashion with a few specific goals, hopefully achievable in 16 weeks.

Goals

Cardio based:
• Run a 5k at 9min pace
• Finish a 10miler

Strength based:
• 75 Kettlebell swings at 50lbs
• 1 pull up

Food:
• Track intake (just an excuse to use a FieldNotes notebook :))
• Stop carb snacking

I’m most worried about the second goals in all category as they are a stretch. I’ve not run more than 3miles at a time for months nor have I ever been able to do a pull-up (for obvious, one-hand reasons). And keeping away from carbs as been tricky with how we have to stock for some of alyska’s dietary needs.

These feel emotionally possible though they may well be physically impossible.

In all honesty? I don’t really care if I don’t make those goals in time. I more need the target and maybe a place to talk about it.

Lab Night

Lab night with alyska.

A play on the dragonfly with a little weaving.

I also forget how well my Mr. Boddy looks in a black and white conversion.

On Identity

On Identity

On April 15, 2010 I renamed my Livejournal account. It was a big moment for me: a rite of passage. Now I was a Real Adult Internet Entity. Now I would be more professional, more awesome, more respected. That previous name? Juvenile! Inane! No one can take you seriously. You are serious adult and internet is all srz biznes!

I’m laughing too.

The question I’m asking: Did I make the right choice?

And I’m asking it for precisely one reason: Memorability.

AngryBunnyMan? Memorable. In fact, numerous friends I met prior to 2010 still refer to me as AngryBunnyMan.

ABMann? Not memorable. And I regularly have to spell it for people.

What this comes down to is this: Memoribility matters when you exist on the internet. The Internet has a short attention span and is forgetful. Anything an Entitycan do tomake itself memorable in Meatspace will lead to better outcomes.

I’m not saying that tis is the End All BNe All of creating a successful internet enterprise but that it can go a good way to helping get the internet to you. Ultimately I beleve that a person is as much a product as their actual product. Which is to say I am Bunny Rope - my materials, my process, my quality and doing anything to mae that easier t find is a good step.

So, Internet. Do you think going back to AngryBunnyMan is a good idea? AngryBunnyMan.com is much easier to remember.

On Identity

On Identity

On April 15, 2010 I renamed my Livejournal account. It was a big moment for me: a rite of passage. Now I was a Real Adult Internet Entity. Now I would be more professional, more awesome, more respected. That previous name? Juvenile! Inane! No one can take you seriously. You are serious adult and internet is all srz biznes!

I’m laughing too.

The question I’m asking: Did I make the right choice?

And I’m asking it for precisely one reason: Memorability.

AngryBunnyMan? Memorable. In fact, numerous friends I met prior to 2010 still refer to me as AngryBunnyMan.

ABMann? Not memorable. And I regularly have to spell it for people.

What this comes down to is this: Memoribility matters when you exist on the internet. The Internet has a short attention span and is forgetful. Anything an Entitycan do tomake itself memorable in Meatspace will lead to better outcomes.

I’m not saying that tis is the End All BNe All of creating a successful internet enterprise but that it can go a good way to helping get the internet to you. Ultimately I beleve that a person is as much a product as their actual product. Which is to say I am Bunny Rope - my materials, my process, my quality and doing anything to mae that easier t find is a good step.

So, Internet. Do you think going back to AngryBunnyMan is a good idea? AngryBunnyMan.com is much easier to remember.

Joy in Work

That's new...

This is my office. It has been “under repair” for 5 months since our campus was hit with a tornado. It is not the best office in the building or even the best office I’ve had in the ten years at my job. I’ve only come to realize lately that I don’t really care. The things that matter to me are not the trappings of my job so much, though I’m going to be exceedingly pleased when I have a window again; it’s what I do when I’m in this office.

Feels obvious, right? What you do should matter more than where you are when you do it. And it feels plain when you compare it something relatively frivolous but I don’t think people real think about it.

I don’t think people want to think about the worth of their jobs even though most of us spent 40 hours or more doing them each week.

I think about it a lot because time matters. I want to spend my time doing things that I love and enjoy and have meaning to me and the world at large.

I love my job.

Not so much that pink foam protecting me from the impending winter but there are so many things I do week to week that I thoroughly enjoy, that matter to me and to millions of people outside in the world.

• What does that make you think when I say I love my job?
• Workaholic
• No personal life
• Uncool

Add to it that this job was a last ditch effort after I was rejected from all the grad schools I applied to in 2004.

I know, right? Sooper loser. I must be a defense against feeling mediocre.

How many times have you been told or heard “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life.” How many times have you heard that this week? I think it is so great of you can turn your passion into a source of income, especially if you can support yourself on it alone. That’s amazing. And its really unlikely.

It takes years to get good enough at any one thing and years still to get good enough that people will pay you for it. That may change with things like Patreon in the future but today? Today I’ve got a mortgage.

If it sounds less than lofty, it is and it is more practical. Find something you love in what you do.

When you love something about what you do, you tend to be better at it. You put more effort in it. You get better at it. Your bosses notice it. Ideally, you get so good at it, it becomes your Thing and you get paid to do it.

And one weird day, you’re no longer working and doing what you love.

Really, it’s essentially exactly the same thing as finding your passion it’s just finding it in the room you’re already in rather than in the possible world.

Thanks to Gray for writing the below that started me thinking about this a few weeks ago, If you don’t read him at Love Life Practice, you are missing out.
Should you do what you love?

His versus Hers

His Versus Hers EDC

His Versus Hers Every Day Carry

I feel like this illustrates our relationship and personal styles pretty well.

37° Mostly Cloudy

Addiction

I wonder if the addictive style of Tumblr’s reward structure is “helping” reduce my discipline in other areas of my life.

Sex for Chemists

From our shells we reach out.
Between us, a dense fog of uncertain
Relations. We connect, our hands brushing
with electric intent and release
light into each other. We draw in
with the ever collapsing
orbits of our interlocked limbs.
Until spent, in the dark, we are heaped
in space. Stability and silence found
in a degenerate bond.